I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She bit a glass in half.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
