You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
