i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
babies were throwing up all over the place
well you can't waste a boner
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
