i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
bring money and cleavage
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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