walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
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Did I show you my penis last night?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
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I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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