How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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