I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
