so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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