I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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