I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
