Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
