Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
