So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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