my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He better not be in your backpack
We were destined to go to rehab together
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
