woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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