forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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