I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
