I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
