shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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