Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
