You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
