We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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