4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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