It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
