yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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