I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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