His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
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We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
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I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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