he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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