Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
