I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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