If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
