Your mouth is God's brothel.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
