My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
