Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i out mim tonsoeep
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