just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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