If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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