Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
