I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
