And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
