I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
