my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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