the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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