I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
