She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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