took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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