Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was born a porn star she said
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
