Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
