Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
