I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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