My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
