i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
