ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
