my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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