omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
